Test of Friendship
by Kitty Kat686
Summary: Not everyone at Worcestershire thought Artie was a loser.  Everybody needs that one friend they can count on for everything.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of this. Except maybe Sam.**

Sam hated that Artie let them do this to him. Why couldn't he just stand up and say "enough"? Sometimes her best friend didn't make any sense to her at all. That afternoon was being spent the usual way, Artie playing target dummy for the incredibly vain Lancelot and his posse of dim-witted musclemen. Sam stood waiting in the shade of entryway in the wall. There seemed to be some kind of commotion going on behind her in the common area, but she found herself unable to look away from Lancelot barreling towards Artie on his horse, as much as she wanted to.

Just as Artie was getting thrown across the jousting field, the source of the commotion became clear. Lancelot was, not surprisingly, praising himself on his amazing joust against the defenseless person on a wooden horse when the odd group entered the field. An ogre, a donkey, and a cat. Definitely not expected. They didn't seem to notice Sam leaning against the wall behind them.

The ogre started walking towards the jousting team and Artie, who was lying on the ground. "Strong, handsome, face of a leader. Does Arthur look like a king or what?" the ogre said. Sam started. He couldn't be talking about her Arthur, could he? What did they want with Artie?

Sam watched as the ogre accidently stepped on Arthur where he was lying. "Oh! Sorry."

"Did you just say you were looking for Arthur?" Artie said.

The ogre walked passed him. As the cat passed, he said, "That information is on a need-to-know basis."

The donkey chimed in, "It's top secret! Hushity-Hush!"

After they had gone past, Artie got to his feet and came over to where Sam was standing. "Hey, Sam," he said.

"Hey. What's that about?" she asked, pointing to the strange group that was talking to the jousting team.

"I don't know. I thought they said something about looking for an Arthur."

"I think they think that Lancelot is you!" Sam said just as Lancelot pointed in their direction. "You might want to get out of here."

"Yeah," he agreed, looking over at his shoulder at them. "See you at the assembly?"

She smiled. "Yep. Not much of a choice in that." With a nod, Artie took off to get lost in the rest of the campus.

"Hey!" the ogre called. But Arthur was already gone. He turned to follow him, but was stopped by none other than Guinevere of Galorus. The beautiful, shallow, "queen" of Worcestershire Academy. Also, Artie's crush for years. Too bad she would probably never give him the time of day. Not that she was worth it, anyways. One would think Artie deserve more than to be pinning after someone whose greatest desire was a throne and was convinced that everyone wanted to be her. She came up with her entourage of Tiffany, Britanny of Britanny and Viviane and Niniane of Avalon. The "Fair Maidens of Worcestershire Academy," they were called.

The ogre had already looked irritated before the girls showed up. "This is like, totally embarrassing, but my friend Tiffany thinkest thou vex her so soothly. She thought perchance thou would ask her to the Homecoming Dance, or something." The group of girls started walking up behind Guinevere as she talked.

The ogre was incredulous. "Excuse me?"

"It's like, whatever. She's just totally into college guys and mythical creatures and stuff."

Wow. That was the only word that came to Sam's mind after what she had just heard. The ogre stormed past them with his friends following. Sam watched him walk by, hoping Artie had found a good hiding place, because that ogre did not look happy.


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything except Sam**

Sam sat in the gym trying and failing to pay attention to Professor Primbottom's lecture. "Just say nay!" How many times had they heard that? Sam was getting worried. Artie hadn't shown up when the assembly started, and he still wasn't there. She had known he would probably be late, just not this late.

The doors to the gym opened and two guys, both with things that looked like dragons on their heads came in the room. They're probably here for that mascot contest the school is having, she thought. She leaned back as the lecture continued.

Finally, Professor Primbottom concluded his lecture and sat down. Principal Pynchley, a short, slightly overweight man with graying hair, a small mustache, and wire-rimmed glasses sitting low on his nose, stepped up onto the box in the middle of the room and took the megaphone. "Thank you to Professor Primbottom and his invigorating lecture on how to 'just say nay'." A bit of half-hearted applause and a few groans filled the room. He motioned for the dragon headed kids to come up next to him. "And now, without further ado, let's give a warm Worcestershire hoozah to the winner of our new mascot contest, the—" The principal was cut off by the gym door banging open.

Sam jumped. Her eyes went wide with surprised. Standing in the doorway was the ogre from the jousting field earlier. The one who was looking for Artie. "—ogre?" the professor finished. The entire room gasped.

"That's right. I'm the new mascot." One of the boys with the dragon head took it off and threw it on the ground as they walked off. The ogre actually seemed a bit flustered when he said, "So let's really try and beat the other guys at…whatever it is they're doing!" With that the crowd broke out in cheers and the band started playing. Sam sat back, wondering if anyone realized that he wasn't really a mascot, and he wasn't really wearing a costume.

The ogre walked up to Pynchley and grabbed the megaphone from him. The next words he said had Sam sitting up straight again. "Now, where can I find Arthur Pendragon?" There was no doubt about it now, that was her Artie. The entire room quieted down. Sam finally spotted Artie, and groaned to herself. He was about to be hung from the basketball goal by his shirt. By the Chess Club.

Everyone in the gym pointed. "Hey, wait!" Artie protested. It did him no good as he was hung from the goal. The entire gym burst out laughing. Even the teachers were laughing! Sam crossed her arms angrily. What was so wrong with people that they could do this to somebody? And why Artie?

Lancelot knocked fists with one of his buddies. "Classic."

The donkey faced him. "You should be ashamed of yourself!"

"I didn't do it. They did." He pointed at the Xavier and Gary (also known as Nosebleed and Headgear), the two nerdiest people in the entire school. Artie had a resigned expression on his face. Sam smiled sadly. He was used to this kind of thing.

The ogre walked over and looked up at him. He grabbed him by the arm and pulled him down to eye level. "Please don't eat me," Artie said.

The crowd started up a chant. "Eat him! Eat him! Eat him!" Sam just shook her head, even though she was a little worried about Artie. Even the principal was joining in the chant!

The ogre pulled him down to the ground. "I'm not here to eat him!" he yelled. Sam let out an unconscious sigh of relief. She didn't really believe the ogre was going to eat him, but she had still worried a little. The ogre let go of his arm. "Time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies, kid. You're the new King of Far Far Away."

It took a moment for what he said to sink in. And when it did, Sam was floored. A king? Sam had always known Artie was way more than the loser everyone thought he was. But a king? She would never have guessed that. Somehow it actually seemed right, though…

"What?" Artie asked. He looked more surprised than anyone, and had the right to be.

Lancelot was the first to recover. He let out a loud, mocking laugh. Sam glared at him from where she was sitting a few rows above him. "Artie, a king? More like the Mayor of Loserville!" The gym erupted in laughter again.

Artie looked around. "Is this for real?" he asked suspiciously.

"Absolutely," the ogre said. "Clean out your locker, kid. You have a kingdom to run." He put his hand on Artie's shoulder to guide him out of the room. Artie shrugged him off.

"So, wait…I'm really the only heir?"

The ogre smiled a bit too widely. "The one and only."

Artie smiled a bit. "Give me just a second." He walked out towards the middle of the gym and looked around at the people in the stands. He caught Sam's eye once and smirked at her. She smiled back. He was about to do something.

"My good people," he started, "I think there's a lesson here for all of us. Maybe the next time you're about to dunk a kid's head in a chamber pot, you'll stop and think, 'Hey, maybe this guy has feelings. Maybe I should cut him some slack. 'Cause maybe…just maybe…this guy's gonna turn out to be, I don't know, a king? And maybe his first royal decree will be to banish everyone who ever picked on him.' That's right, I'm looking at you, jousting team!" Sam wanted to jump up and applaud. You tell 'em, Artie! The next thing he said caused her to roll her eyes. "And Guin? Oh, Guin. I've always loved you." Really, Artie?

Of course Guinevere responded to that with an "Ew."

Artie raised his voice again. "Well, good friends, it breaks my heart, but enjoy your stay here in prison while I rule the free world, baby!" Sam smiled again. He really loved those drama classes.

The ogre rolled his eyes and spoke up. "Okay, let's not overdo it."

Artie kept going. "I'm building my city, people…on rock 'n' roll!"

"You just overdid it." The ogre picked him up and carried him out of the gym. The doors slammed and there was a moment of dead silence. Then people started chattering. It wasn't every day that someone was declared a king. Especially someone no one expected. Most people would likely think of Lancelot or someone like him to be a king. But it was Artie.

For a split second, Sam had no idea what to do. Her mind was completely blank. Then she jumped up and ran down the stairs and out the door, following her best friend.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except Sam**

She caught up with them when they were about halfway through the commons. "Artie!" she called.

Artie turned back and looked at her, then smiled. "Hey. Can you believe this? Me, a king?"

Sam smiled ruefully. "Always knew you were special, Artie." He laughed.

"So, Artie, who's your friend?" the ogre asked.

"This is my friend, Sam. Sam, this is Shrek."

"Nice to meet you," Sam said. She turned to the cat and the donkey. "And you are…?"

"I am Puss," said the cat, taking off his hat and bowing. Sam smiled and nodded at him.

"And I'm Donkey!" said the donkey.

Sam laughed. "Nice to meet you both." She turned back to Artie and Shrek. "So where are you going?"

"To Far Far Away. We have a ship waiting on the dock," Shrek answered. "And we're kind of on a tight schedule, so we should probably be heading out," he said apologetically.

"We'll let you say your goodbyes," Puss said. Shrek, Donkey, and Puss moved away toward the academy's entrance.

Artie turned back to her with a sad and hesitant expression on his face. They were silent for a few moments. "I'm gonna miss you," he said.

"I'll miss you, too." She laughed softly. "This school won't be the same without you." He laughed. "Seriously, though. You're like my best friend, Artie." Sam prided herself with not being the kind of girl who cried easily. Even so, she found herself tearing up a bit.

Artie smiled softly. "You're mine, too. Probably my only friend." Sam smiled and reached forward to hug him. They stood that way for a few moments, then pulled back. "I can't say I'm upset about leaving this place, though."

"I don't blame you," Sam replied. "Take care of yourself out there. You'll make a great king."

He smiled. "Thanks." With that, he walked toward where Shrek and the others were standing.

Just as he caught up with them, Sam had an idea. "Wait!" she yelled. They turned around. She ran to catch up with them. "Can I come with you?"

Artie looked at her. "Sam, are you sure?"

Sam thought about it. "Yeah, I think I am. I mean, there's nothing really keeping me here. And I think there'd be a lot more opportunities out there than there are in here, anyways."

Artie thought about it a bit, then broke out into a big smile. "I think she should come," he said to Shrek.

Shrek didn't look as convinced. "I'm not so sure that's such a good idea…"

"If you don't let her come, I'm not going either," Artie said, crossing his arms.

"Shrek…" Donkey said, nodding to Artie and Sam.

Shrek sighed. "Fine. She can come."

"Yes!" both Sam and Artie said. They looked at each other and burst out laughing.

Shrek looked at them with a slight smile on his face. "Ok, come on. We've got a boat to catch."


	4. Chapter 4

**Discalaimer: I don't own anything except Sam.**

Sam sat leaned against the stern of the ship. They had set off for Far Far Away about half an hour ago, gladly leaving Worcestershire behind. They were traveling along the shore close enough to where you could still see it. Artie came up and leaned against the railing beside her. "Can you believe this? I can't even wrap my head around it," he said.

"I know, it's crazy. It's amazing what can change in one day," Sam replied.

Artie glanced over at her. "I'm glad you came," he said. "Even though I'd take just about any reason to get out of that place, I'm glad I don't have to…face this alone, you know?"

Sam smiled. "I'm glad I came, too."

"Hey, Artie! Can you come help me with this rigging? It'd probably be a little easier if I had thumbs…" It was Donkey. Artie laughed and stood up.

As Artie was helping Donkey with the rigging, Puss came up and sat on the railing next to where Sam was leaning. "So, my lady, are you at all regretting coming on this trip?"

Sam closed her eyes and slowly breathed in the smell of the sea air. "Not at all," she said. "In fact, I think this is probably the best decision I've ever made."

"What makes you say that?"

She sighed and opened her eyes. "I don't know. It's just like, for the first time, I feel like I'm actually free. No one making decisions for me or expecting anything from me. I feel like I can be anything I want to be out here." She turned and glanced at Puss. He had a thoughtful expression on his face.

"What about that school? Are you upset to give that up?" he asked.

"Not at all. The only real friend I had there was Artie. Everyone else was just so…I don't know…concerned with things that don't really matter. Even the teachers." She paused for a second. "My parents sent me there so I could have more opportunities than I would have had otherwise. And I just don't think I was getting that."

Puss looked satisfied. Then a grin crossed his face. "It wouldn't have anything to do with a certain king-to-be, would it?"

It took a little bit for Sam to understand what he was asking. "Oh! No. No, nothing like that. We're not like that. I mean, he's my best friend, but he's like my brother." She thought for a minute. "I guess part of the reason I came was for him, but not the way you're talking about. I'm his friend, and I want to be there for him."

Puss nodded. "I understand, señorita." Sam smiled and they both turned back to the water.

From across the boat they heard voices. Shrek and Artie were talking at the bow of the ship. Puss got up and headed over there. Sam got up to follow. As they got closer they could hear what Shrek and Artie were saying.

"By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle," Shrek was saying.

"Boat with a bottle? Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle," Artie said.

Shrek was chuckling nervously. "Well, I've heard it's harder than it looks."

"Whoa. This is going to be huge. Parties, princesses, castles. Princesses." Sam couldn't help but role her eyes when she heard this. Of course that would make him excited.

"It'll be great, Artie," Donkey said as they reached them. "You'll be living in the lap of luxury. They got the finest chefs around just waiting for you to place your order." Sam crossed her arms and smiled as she stood next to Donkey. Now food is something you can get excited about.

"And fortunately," Puss jumped in, "you'll have the royal food tasters."

"Oh yeah? What do they do?"

"They taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it's not, uh, poisoned."

The smile on Artie's face fell a bit at this, replaced with a more nervous expression. "Poisoned?"

"Or too salty!" Shrek jumped in.

"Don't worry about it," Donkey said. "You'll be safe and sound with the help of your body guards."

"Bodyguards?" Artie asked, looking more apprehensive by the second.

"All of them," Puss said, "willing at a moment's notice to lay down their lives in devotion to you."

"Really?" Uh, oh, Sam thought. This is not going well. Shrek motioned to Puss and Donkey to cut it out. They didn't get it.

"The whole kingdom will look to you for wisdom and guidance," Puss continued. Shrek continued to scream silently at them to stop.

"Just make sure they don't die of famine!" Donkey said. Sam looked from him to Artie. Now he looked downright terrified.

"Or plague," Puss put in.

"Oh, plague is bad," Donkey agreed.

"The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores."

Shrek laughed loudly and pushed Artie behind him as he got up in Puss's face. "Ha, ha, ha, festering sores! Hey, you are one funny kitty cat," he said angrily.

"What did I say?" Puss asked.

"We don't want Artie here getting the wrong idea." He looked over his shoulder. Artie was gone. "Uh, Artie?"

All of a sudden the boat tipped, sending Shrek, Puss, Donkey, and Sam sliding across the deck. Sam hit the wall with a thud. She looked over to the wheel. Artie was turning the ship. "Artie, what are you doing?" she yelled.

Shrek had made it to his feet and over to the wheel. Shrek grabbed the wheel and shoved Artie off it. He hit the wall. The ship tipped again as Shrek turned the ship back around. Artie grabbed a broom and used the handle to stop Shrek from turning the wheel. "What does it look like?" he yelled.

Sam had just gotten to her feet when the ship turned again, knocking her back to the ground and slinging her across the ship.

"This really isn't up to you!" Shrek yelled as he took the wheel back.

"But I don't know anything about being king!" Artie yelled back.

The boat started to tip again. Sam reached out and wrapped her arms around a pole on the side of the cabin. "Artie!" she yelled. He was still fighting with Shrek over the wheel.

"You'll learn on the job!" Shrek yelled back. Donkey and Puss went sliding past Sam as she clung to the pole with all her might.

"Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going back!" Artie continued to yank on the wheel.

"Back to what? Being a loser?" Sam's mouth dropped open. He did not just say that. There was a split second of silence as Artie glared at Shrek. Suddenly he let go of the wheel. Shrek kept pulling and ripped it clean out of the ship.

_Well this certainly isn't good_, Sam thought.

"Now look what you did!" Shrek yelled.

"Look what _I_ did? Who's holding the wheel, chief?"

Donkey looked like he was going to be sick. He ran to the side and leaned over. He looked up. "Shrek!" They were about to run straight into the rocks sticking out of the water. Shrek tried uselessly to stick the wheel back in the ship and turn it. As expected, nothing happened.

For a moment, they all stood there watching as the rocks got closer. Then, just before the boat hit the rocks, Sam took a running leap off the boat and dived into the water, the others following as the ship was smashed into a thousand pieces.


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclainer: I don't own anything except Sam.**

Sam collapsed on the beach as the water receded. She was soaked to the skin and her brown hair was clinging to her face. Pieces of the wood from the ship floated around her. Shrek, carrying Puss and Donkey on his shoulders, and Artie walked up beside her. Shrek collapsed on the ground and let go of Puss and Donkey.

Sam pushed herself to her hands and knees and coughed a few times to get rid of the salt water she had swallowed. "Everybody okay?"

"Yeah…" Artie answered.

"Oh, nice going, Your Highness," Shrek said.

"Hey, lay off of him!" Sam protested.

"Now it's 'Your Highness'? What happened to 'loser', huh?" Artie yelled back at Shrek.

"Hey! If you think this is getting you out of anything, well, it isn't." Shrek walked toward him. "We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another, and you're going to be a father!" Sam blinked. A father?

Artie was thinking the same thing. "What?"

Donkey cleared his throat and whispered, "You just said 'father'."

Shrek looked caught. Then he turned back to Artie. "You're—I said king! You're gonna be king!" he yelled.

Artie turned away. "'You're gonna be king!'" he mimicked. "Yeah, right." Artie walked away.

Shrek looked like he wanted to strangle him. "Where do you think you're going?"

"Far Far Away…from you!"

"You get back here, young man, and I mean it!" Shrek yelled.

Sam turned to follow. She looked back over her shoulder at Shrek and shook her head. She started after Artie.

She wasn't out of earshot when she heard Puss say, "Uh, Boss? I don't think he's coming back. Maybe it's for the best." Sam slowed down a bit. "He's not exactly king material." She felt a surge of defensiveness for her friend._ I think he'd make a great king_, she thought.

Donkey jumped in. "When were you planning on telling him that you were really supposed to be king?" That completely stopped her in her tracks. Hadn't he said the king asked for Artie personally?

"Oh, come on," Shrek answered. "Now why would I do that? Besides, he'll be ten times better at it than me." At this point she agreed with him. Why would he lie to Artie? She didn't have an answer to that question. She turned and ran to catch up with Artie.

She spotted him a little ways up the path from her. "Artie, wait up!" she called. He stopped for a minute but didn't look back as she ran to catch up with him. When she reached him, they continued walking in silence.

They heard heavy footsteps behind them. Sam glanced over her shoulder. It was Shrek. "Listen, Artie," he started. Sam glanced at Artie. His face was impassive as he looked at the ground in front of him. "Uh…If you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you, dude." Artie's head came up and he glanced over at Sam. "I mean, I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof, or whatever." She could tell they were thinking the same thing. Was he really trying to speak teenager?

"But what I am screamin' is, yo, check out this kazing thazing, bazaby!" It was all she could do for Sam to keep from laughing at this. "I mean, if it doesn't groove, or what I'm sayin' ain't straight trippin', just say, 'Oh, no, you didn't! You're getting on my last nerve.'" Artie started to speed up. Shrek rushed after him. "And then I'll know it's…then I'll know it's wack!"

Artie pulled back a branch. As he let it go, It smacked Shrek in the face. Then he took off in a run. Shrek growled, ripped the branch out of the tree, and threw it to the ground. Sam looked around. They had reached a clearing. In the middle of the clearing was a small shack, more like a door built into a small hill.

"Somebody help!" Artie yelled, as he ran toward the door. "I've been kidnapped by a monster trying to relate to me!"

"Artie! Artie, wait," Shrek said quietly.

Artie started pounding on the door. "Come on! Help! Help! Hello?"

Sam started after him, but backed up quickly when, all of a sudden, a beam of light came from a crystal contraption next to the door. Donkey screamed and Puss quickly stepped back. Out of the light came a giant projection of a man's head. Artie quickly came and stood next to Sam. And then the head started speaking.

"Greetings, cosmic children of the universe," it said. "Welcome to my serenity circle." Now everyone was confused. "Please leave any bad vibes outside the healing vortex. Now prepare to—" There was a sizzling noise, and the head dissolved.

Everyone exchanged glances. No one had any idea what that was about. There was a squeak, and the door opened a crack. An old, slightly familiar almost bald man with an extremely long beard stepped out. "I knew I should have gotten that warranty!" He slammed his hand on the crystal thing and a bolt of lightning shot out and hit him in the eye. Twice.

Sam and Artie looked at each other with equally surprised expressions on their faces, then turned back to look at the old man. "Is that…" Sam started.

"Mr. Merlin?" Artie finished.

Shrek looked at them. "You know this guy?" he asked.

"Yeah," Artie answered. "He was the school's magic teacher."

"Until he had his nervous breakdown," Sam added.

"Technically," Mr. Merlin jumped in, "I was merely a victim of a level 3 fatigue. And at the request of my therapist, and the school authorities, I retired to the tranquility of nature to discover my divine purpose." He smacked a fly that landed on his head. Shrek, Artie, and Sam watched him with bewildered expressions on their faces. _He seems like a crazy person_, Sam thought.

"Now, can I interest anyone in a snack or beverage?" Mr. Merlin asked.

"Uh, no," Shrek said.

"Sure you don't want to try my famous Rock Au Gratin?" He brought out a plate of rocks, scooped out some, and took a bite. "It's organic!" Sam and Artie exchanged looks. _Ok, he's definitely crazy_, Sam thought.

"No, thanks," Shrek said, "I just ate a boulder on the way in." Sam smirked at this. Shrek grabbed Artie's arm. "What we need is directions to back Far Far Away." Now Sam rolled her eyes. Not this again.

Artie jerked his arm out of Shrek's grasp. "What's with the 'we'? Who said I was going with you?"

"I did. 'Cause there's a lot of people counting on you, so don't try and weasel out of it!"

"Just give it a rest, both of you!" Sam tried to break it up. It didn't work.

"If it's such a great job, why don't you do it?" Artie yelled at Shrek.

A strange look crossed Shrek's face. But knowing what she did now about the king's heirs, it wasn't so strange. "Understand this, kid. No more Mr. Nice Guy from here on out."

"Oh, so that was your Mr. Nice Guy?" Artie shot back.

"I know, and I'm gonna miss him."

"You know what? Why don't you just go terrorize a village and leave me alone!"

"Both of you just shut up!" Sam tried again. Both Shrek and Artie were too caught up to hear her. Or if they did, they didn't pay any attention to it.

"Oh, is that some kind of crack about ogres? You get your royal highness to Far Far Away before I kick it there!" He turned back to Mr. Merlin. "Now, which way am I kicking?"

Mr. Merlin had been watching them with surprising calm. It was almost unnerving. "I could tell you, but since in the midst of a self-destructive rage spiral, it would be karmically irresponsible." Karmically irresponsible? What was that supposed to mean?

"Self-destructive…? Look, are you going to help us out or not?" Shrek said. They all looked at Mr. Merlin.

"Most definitely, but only after you take the journey to your soul!" he said dramatically. Yeah, this guy is definitely crazy, Sam thought.

"Yeah, I don't think so," Shrek said.

"Look pal, it's either that, or some primal scream therapy." Sam, Artie, Puss, and Donkey all looked sharply at Shrek as Mr. Merlin started screaming. Shrek quickly put his hand over Mr. Merlin's face and said, "Alright, Alright. Journey to the soul."

By the time they had gotten a small fire going, darkness had fallen. Sam had let her long hair down to let the fire dry out the rest of the dampness before pulling it back in a loose braid. "Now, all of you look into the Fire of Truth and tell me what you see," Mr. Merlin said, again dramatically. He threw some kind of dust into the fire, making it flare up.

Donkey got very excited. "Ooh, charades! Okay, I see a Dutch fudge torte with cinnamon swirls!"

"Okay, monster…go for it," Merlin told Shrek.

Shrek sighed and kneeled down to look into the smoke. He quickly blew at the smoke and laughed nervously. "I see a rainbow pony." Sam didn't quite believe him on that, but she didn't say anything.

"Excellent work!" Mr. Merlin exclaimed. "Now the boy." He turned his attention to Artie.

"This is lame," Artie muttered. Mr. Merlin smacked him in the head. "Ow!"

"You're lame! Just go for it." He threw more dust on the fire, and it flared up again.

Artie sighed. "Okay, there's a baby bird and a father bird sitting in a nest."

Mr. Merlin started banging on a drum. "Yes! Stay with it! Stay with it!" he said.

"Wait, the dad just flew away. Why did he leave the little bird all alone?" Shrek, Donkey, and Puss moved closer. "It's trying to fly, but it doesn't know how to." Mr. Merlin's drumming picked up its pace. "It's going to fall!" The drumming stopped and Artie looked away.

Shrek, Donkey, and Puss looked at him. Mr. Merlin laughed. "Proper head case you are. Really messed up." They all watched Mr. Merlin go back into his house and shut the door, then looked back at Artie.

"Yeah, yeah, okay, I get it. The bird's me. My dad left. So what?" He turned away from them. Sam, who was sitting on his other side, put her hand on Artie's arm for a moment. He had told her about his dad once back at Worcestershire.

Shrek sat down on the log. Donkey motioned to Artie. He scooted closer. "Look, Artie, um—" He was cut off by loud music playing. They all turned and looked towards Mr. Merlin's house. He was standing by his door.

"Just thought I might help set the mood for your big heart-to-heart chat," he called. Everyone just stared at him. He disappointedly clicked off the music and went back into his house.

Artie took a stick and stuck it in the fire. Shrek sighed. "I know what it's like to not feel ready for something." Artie looked up. "Even ogres get scared. You know…once in a while." Sam could tell he was telling the truth on that.

"I know you want me to be king, but I can't. I'm not cut out for it, and I never will be, alright? Even my own dad knew I wasn't worth the trouble."

"You know that's not true," Sam protested.

He looked at her. "It is." Artie turned back forward. "He dumped me at that school first chance he got…and I never heard from him again."

Shrek sighed. "My dad wasn't really the fatherly type, either."

"Well, I doubt he was worse than mine."

"Oh, yeah? My father was an ogre. He tried to eat me. I guess I should have seen it coming. He used to give me a bath in barbecue sauce and put me to bed with an apple in my mouth," Shrek joked. Artie laughed at that and Sam smiled.

"Okay, I guess that's pretty bad," he said, still laughing.

Shrek smiled. "You know, it may be hard to believe, what with my obvious charm and good looks, but people used to think I was a monster. And for a long time, I believed them. But after a while, you learn to ignore the names people call you and you just trust who you are."

Artie was silent for a moment. "You know…you're okay, Shrek. You just need to do a little less yelling, and use a little more soap."

Shrek smiled. He looked relieved. "Thanks, Artie."

"The soap's because you stink…really bad."

"Yeah…I got that."


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of this, except Sam.**

Sam laid awake with her head propped up on a log, staring up at the sky. From the deep breathing and snores she heard around her, she guessed that everyone was asleep. She heard a shifting a few feet to her right, where Artie was. It sounded like someone sitting up. Apparently not everyone was asleep.

Sam turned over to see Artie sitting up against the log, staring into the fire. At the noise he looked at her. "You awake?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah," she answered as she sat up against the log.

"Sorry I woke you up," he said, turning back to the flames.

"Don't be," Sam said. "I never went to sleep."

Artie sighed. "Me, neither."

They sat in silence for a few minutes. Sam could guess what he was thinking about. Suddenly she contemplated telling him what she had heard Shrek say. His voice stopped her.

"Do you think I'd make a good king?" He glanced at her. "I mean, shouldn't it be someone like, I don't know, Lancelot, or something?"

Sam was silent for a few moments. Something about the way he said that kept her from saying what she knew. "I think you would make a great king," she answered truthfully. "And even though Lancelot may look and act like he rules the world, I don't think he'd cut it." Artie turned his head and looked at her. She continued, "My idea of a good king is one that rules justly, and fairly. We both know from experience that Lancelot isn't that kind of person. He's so obsessed with himself, he wouldn't even be able to look past the palace walls, let alone run a kingdom." Artie chuckled at that. Sam smiled and scooted closer.

"But you, Artie, you know what it's like to be treated unfairly, or taken advantage of. I don't think you'd let that happen. And you're smart. You might not know everything about being a king, but you learn pretty fast." She bumped him with her shoulder and he smiled.

"Thanks, Sam."

They smiled at each other for a few moments, then looked back at the fire. The silence was broken by Sam. "Well, Your Highness, we should probably be getting to sleep. Big day tomorrow," she said, as she got up for a second to add some more wood to the fire.

Artie laid back down. "Night, Sam."

"Night, Artie," she replied, laying down where she had laid down in the first place. She fell asleep almost instantly.

The next time she woke up it was still dark. She heard a twig snap in the forest and she sat up sharply, looking around. She sighed in relief. It was just Shrek. "Don't worry," he said, coming out of the trees with an armful of wood. "Our supply was getting low, so I went to get some more firewood." Sam glanced at the fire. It was dying.

Shrek added some wood to the dying fire and sat back down. "Nice night," he said, attempting to make small talk.

"Yeah…" she replied. They lapsed into silence, both lost in their own thoughts as they stared into the fire. "I heard what you said," she said suddenly.

"What?" Shrek asked, surprised.

"When you and Donkey were talking. 'When were you planning on telling him that you were really supposed to be king?'" It was hard to tell whether she was quoting Donkey or asking the question.

"Oh," was all Shrek could say.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't tell him the truth."

Shrek was quiet for a moment. "Can you imagine, an ogre as king?" He paused again. "I'm not right for the job. All I want is to go home to my swamp with my wife. And my family…" He trailed off with a dreamy look on his face.

"And what about Artie?" she asked.

"I know I lied about the king asking for him personally, but I really believe he'd be a good king. Way better than me, at least. You know him. Do you think he could do it?"

Sam was silent for a moment before answering. "I think Artie would make a great king. Which is why I won't tell him what you said." Shrek let out his breath, relieved. "He doesn't need to go back there, to Worcestershire. It's not a good place for him to be, with the way people treat him like he's dirt. And if he went back now, it'd only get worse. So I'll keep your secret."

Shrek was quiet for a long moment. "Thanks, Sam," he said, laying back down to go to sleep.

Sam watched the fire for a little longer, wondering if she was making the right decision. Then she laid back down against the log and slowly drifted to sleep.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: I'd like to give a special thanks to Pricat: Thanks for the reviews! I'm glad you like it :)<strong>


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything except Sam.**

When she woke up again it was light. Her mind was still foggy from sleep, but, looking around, she was pretty sure something was off. Shrek woke and sat up. Standing up, he yawned and rubbed his eyes. A bird was singing somewhere. The chirping stopped abruptly and there was a thumping noise. Sam sat up and tried to shake the sleep from her mind. She immediately realized what was wrong. There were too many trees.

Then they started moving. Three trees were moving towards them form one side. The tree Artie was currently sleeping on pitched him off and stood up. By that time, everyone was up. Donkey yelled as the trees surrounded them, backing them together. Out of the forest stormed dozens of men who looked like pirates. One of them, with a hook for a hand who looked like the captain, was playing a piano. "Look out!" Donkey yelled. "They got a piano!"

Odd as it was, it didn't really concern Sam at the moment. "Kill them all," said the pirate with the hook, "except the fat one. King Charming has something special in mind for you, ogre."

"_King_ Charming?" Shrek said disbelievingly.

"Attack!" the pirate yelled.

Sam frantically looked around for some kind of weapon. She had no time to find one before the pirates were on them. Shrek threw some out of the way. "Artie, duck!" Sam heard him yell. She heard Donkey yell and Puss's sword against a pirate's.

One pirate slashed at her with a knife, which she dodged, and sent a fist into his stomach. As he doubled over, she hooked her foot behind his legs and pulled his feet out from under him. Sam smirked. She had been in enough scrapes back at Worcestershire and before that to know how to handle herself.

The fighting continued. Artie slid and tripped one of the running pirates, who ran into Shrek. Shrek bounced him off his belly and into another pirate. "Ready the plank!" the Captain yelled. Sam watched as best she could as the pirates backed Shrek onto a piece of wood balanced on a rock.

As she was dodging swipes from a pirate's sword, she heard Artie yell her name. "Sam!" She glanced over and he tossed her a thick piece of wood. She caught it just in time to block the sword from cutting her in half. She shoved the branch at the pirate and pushed him away.

As she caught her breath for a second and looked around. Her, Artie, Puss, and Donkey had been backed together. She felt something under her feet. Rope.

Just as she realized this, the trees around them pulled up the sides of the net, trapping them and pulling them on the off the ground. The pirates took a cannon and turned it toward them. Puss had lost his sword, but he broke out his claw and started sawing at the ropes.

The pirates had tried to shove Shrek into a chest. He pushed them away and jumped up. "Shrek!" Donkey yelled as they lit the cannon. They started yelling for help.

Shrek noticed and fought his way over to the cannon. Jumping in front of it, he pushed up with his shoulder. It wouldn't budge. Sam, Artie, Puss, and Donkey watched as the fused burned down, bracing themselves. At the last second, Shrek heaved the cannon up so it swung around to the other side. The cannon ball came shooting out and right into the piano, leaving the captain sitting there playing air.

The trees shouted and dropped their prisoners and ran away into the woods, along with the rest of the pirates. "Cowards!" the captain yelled.

"What has Charming done with Fiona?" Shrek said, moving toward the captain. Sam guessed that was his wife.

"She's going to get what's coming to her." The pirate shoved his hooked hand up in the air, snagging it on a tree as it ran by. "And there ain't nothing you can do to stop him!" he yelled, disappearing into the woods.

Sam, Artie, Puss, and Donkey ran up behind Shrek. He turned around. "We've got to save her," Puss said.

"But she's so far far away!" Donkey said.

Shrek was silent for a second. "You two, get yourselves back to Worcestershire," he said.

Sam and Artie exchanged a look. Sam nodded her head at him, telling him it was his decision. He thought for a moment before he returned it. "No, Shrek. Hold on. I've got an idea," he said. He went over to where Mr. Merlin was meditating.

"I'm a buzzing bee…" he was saying.

"Mr. Merlin? They need a spell to get them…I mean us, back to Far Far Away."

Mr. Merlin shook his head. "Forget it. I don't have that kind of magic in me anymore, kid. How about a hug, instead? That's the best kind of magic."

Artie put up his hands to ward off the hug. "Mr. Merlin, please. I know you can do it," he pleaded.

"I said forget it!" Mr. Merlin started mumbling to himself and turned away.

"But…" Then Artie did something totally unexpected. He broke down crying.

Mr. Merlin turned back around. "What's with you?" he asked.

"It's just so hard, you know?" He was almost weeping by now. "They really need to get back, 'cause their kingdom's in trouble." They were all looking at him like he was crazy. It took Sam a minute to realize what he was doing. "'Cause there's a really bad man. And it's just so hard!"

Mr. Merlin was freaking out by now. "Come on, take it easy," he said.

Artie grabbed Mr. Merlin arms, then flung them away. "No! I don't think you understand! There's a mean person doing mean things to good people." Artie fell to his knees.

"Please, Mr. Merlin," Sam pleaded.

"Oh, have a heart, old man," Shrek joined in.

Artie flung himself down and grabbed on to Mr. Merlin's leg. "And they really need your help to get them back. So why won't you help them?" His words became unintelligible as he broke down.

Mr. Merlin finally gave in. "Okay. I'll go get my things."

As soon as he left Artie's sobbing stopped instantly and he stood up. Clearing his throat, he looked over and said, "Piece of cake." Sam laughed and punched him in the arm lightly.

"Well, well, well," Shrek said. "You want some eggs with that ham?"

"Now, I am a little rusty, so there could be some side effects," Mr. Merlin said as he came back with an old book in his hands.

"Side effects?" Donkey said, alarmed.

"Don't worry," Mr. Merlin assured him. "Whatever it is, no matter how excruciatingly painful it may be, it will wear off eventually. I think." Neither Donkey nor Sam were reassured.

Mr. Merlin cracked his knuckles, causing a bolt of lightning to shoot out and destroying the rock right next to Donkey. He yelled and jumped back. "Oops," Mr. Merlin said.

"Are you sure about this?" Donkey asked Shrek.

"If Artie trusts him, that's good enough for me," he said.

Mr. Merlin started his spell. "Alacritious expeditious…a-zoomy-zoom-zoom! Let's help our friends get back…um…soon!" Light shot out of Mr. Merlin's hands and surrounded the group. They shot up in the sky and were gone. "Whoa! It worked!"


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything, except for Sam.**

A few seconds later, a small group of clouds gathered around a glowing light a small distance from Far Far away. Out of the clouds fell two teenagers, an ogre, a donkey, and a cat. Shrek, Artie, Sam, Puss, and Donkey groaned as they hit the ground.

"I haven't been on a trip like that since college!" Donkey said. Sam glanced at him, then did a double take. The words didn't come out of Donkey's mouth. They came out of Puss's.

Shrek and Artie noticed it, too. "Donkey?" Shrek asked.

Donkey hadn't seemed to realize it. "What? Is there something in my teeth?" He brought his paw up to his face. That's when he realized it. "Oh, no! I've been abracadabra-ed into a Fancy Feastin', second-rate sidekick!"

That was the moment Donkey…actually Puss dropped out of the tree. "At least you don't look like some kind of bloated roadside piñata! You really should think about going on a diet!"

Shrek, Sam, and Artie slowly got to their feet and stared at the pair.

"You should think about getting yourself and pair of pants!" Donkey yelled back. "I feel all exposed and nasty!" Sam, Artie, and Shrek all traded glances. As they looked back at the pair they busted out laughing. Sam leaned on Artie for support.

Donkey and Puss looked over at them. "So you three think this is funny?" Donkey said with his hands on his hips. They tried to control their laughter.

"I'm really sorry, guys," Artie said once he got control of himself.

"Don't be. You got us back, kid," Shrek told him.

They turned and started walking toward the city in the distance, Donkey and Puss bickering the entire way.

When they finally got to the city, they started running. Everything looked very, very wrong. Even to Sam, who had never been there before. Doors were broken, windows were empty and boarded over. There was a runaway carriage that sped past him. Drunken dwarves roaming the street. A little girl in a red hood pickpocketing said dwarves.

"Pinocchio?" Shrek said suddenly. He, Puss, and Donkey ran over to a little booth with a puppet in it. Sam and Artie followed.

The puppet stopped dancing. "Shrek! Help me!" it yelled.

"What's happened?" Shrek asked.

"Charming and the villains have taken over everything!" Pinocchio explained. "They attacked us, but Fiona and the Princesses got away. And now she's—" He got cut off as the curtain came down over the glass.

"She's what? What?" Shrek yelled, pounding on the glass. The curtain came down anyway. Shrek looked down and noticed the price for the curtain to come up. "Puss! Loan me five bucks."

"Come on, Puss, you heard him. Help the brother out," Donkey said to Puss.

"Do you see any pockets on me?" Puss asked, motioning to himself.

"Hold on a second…" Donkey said. He pulled Puss's boot off his foot and out fell a bag of money.

Puss looked caught. "I had no idea, really. I…I swear," he said, trying to sound innocent. Sam smiled a little, despite the seriousness of the situation.

Shrek put the money in the booth and the curtain came up. "Quick! Where is Fiona?" he asked Pinocchio.

"Charming has her locked away someplace secret. You have to find him! He's probably getting ready for the show!" He yelled the last part as the curtain went down again.

"Wait, Pinocchio!" Shrek yelled. "What show?"

Pinocchio's hand came from underneath the curtain and pointed to the wall of the alley next to them. There were posters on the wall. On it was a man with blond hair holding a sword over an ogre that looked suspiciously like Shrek. They walked up to it. "'It's a Happily Ever After After All'," Puss read.

"'Shrek's final performance'?" Sam read.

"Oh, Shrek! You didn't tell us you were in a play!" Donkey said excitedly.

"Well, I guess I've been so busy I forgot to mention it," Shrek replied sarcastically.

All of a sudden there was a yell from out in the street. "There's the ogre!" one of the soldiers yelled. "Get him!"

"Don't worry, jefe. I got this," Puss said, and moved forward toward the group of soldiers.

After Puss failed to look cute in Donkey's body, the leader said, "Ew! Kill it."

That was when Artie jumped into action. "Look. Don't you know who he thinks he is? How dare you!" he said dramatically. This time, they all caught on a lot quicker than before. Shrek immediately became the picture of a snobbish actor.

"Donkey, we're dealing with amateurs," he said. The guards looked at each other.

"He's a star people! Hello?" Sam jumped in, ripping a poster off the wall.

"I'm so sorry about this, Mr. Shrek," Artie said.

"I'm gonna lose it!"

"Is everything ready for tonight? You did get the list for the dressing room?" Artie continued. The guards were looking more and more confused and nervous.

"Yes," Donkey added in. "Breakfast croissant stuffed with seared sashimi tuna. Oh and please tell me you at least have the saffron corn with jalapeno honey butter." Donkey's voice rose at each word. "Because our client cannot get into his proper emotional state without his jalapeno honey butter!"

"I just lost it."

It all worked. "Oh, uh…maybe they should talk to Nancy in Human Resources," one of the guards suggested.

As they walked past, Puss said, "Oh, we will have much to say to Nancy, I promise!"

Once they got out of earshot from the guards, they glanced at each other and then broke out laughing. "Good thinking, Artie," Sam said, nudging him in the shoulder.

"Yeah, good job, kid," Shrek agreed. "Now, to find Charming."


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything, except Sam.**

They had found Charming's dressing room. He was checking his reflection in the mirror, like the pretty boy he seemed to be. As he moved it, he caught the reflection. Gasping, he turned around. "Break a leg," Shrek said. "On second thought, let me break it for you." He moved forward menacingly.

"Thank goodness you're here," he said, laughing nervously. "I was afraid you wouldn't make it back in time." He fumbled with something on his desk.

Shrek grabbed him. "Where's Fiona?"

"Don't worry. She and the others are safe…for now." Shrek continued to glare at him.

All of a sudden the doors burst open, and guards ran through. The grabbed a hold of Artie and Sam, and pointed their weapons at Puss and Donkey. _He must have pushed some kind of alarm button_, Sam thought, as she struggled against the people holding her. She looked over. Artie was doing the same.

Shrek looked around. The guards had surrounded them. He slowly lowered Charming to the ground. Charming glanced around. "Hmm…" he started moving toward their captives. "Let me guess. Arthur." He came to a stop in front of Artie. Sam's eyes widened with fear.

"It's Artie, actually," he said, jerking against the people holding him.

"This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Way?" Charming laughed, then stopped as he brought his sword up to Artie's neck. "How pathetic." He was going to kill Artie, Sam realized. She struggled against her captors again, but they were too strong for her. Shrek stepped forward, wanting to stop him. "Now stand still, so I won't make a mess."

"Charming, stop! I'm here now. You got what you wanted. This isn't about him," Shrek said.

"Then who's it about?" Artie asked. "I'm supposed to be king, right?"

Sam looked at Shrek. What was he going to do?

"You weren't really next in line for the throne, alright? I was." Charming's sword moved away from Artie's neck. Sam breathed a silent sigh of relief.

"But you said the King asked for me personally," Artie said.

"Not exactly," Shrek said.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Look, I said whatever I had to say, all right? I wasn't right for the job, I just needed some fool to replace me. And you fit the bill. So just go!" Sam's mouth dropped open. She quickly closed it when she realized what he was doing. He was trying to get Artie to leave. If he stayed, Charming would kill him.

Artie looked betrayed. "You were playing me the whole time."

"You catch on real fast, kid. Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought." Sam saw Artie flinch at that. Normally, Sam would have jumped up and defended her friend, but this time she couldn't do it. Donkey started walking forward, but Puss stopped him. He had realized what was going on, too.

"You know, for a minute there…I actually thought you..." Artie was cut off by Charming.

"What? That he cared about you? He's an ogre. What did you expect?"

Artie looked back at Sam. "Did you know about this?" he asked. She froze. That split second was all he needed. Her guilt showed on her face. "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked accusingly.

Sam's mind whirled. She couldn't tell him the truth. She needed to get him out of here. He had to leave. "Well…" She sighed. "I thought it would be cool to be friends with a king. You know, have some pull. Figured it might be useful." Artie was hurt. She fought to keep her face hard.

"How could you? I thought you were my friend!" Sam was silent. She kept her face blank. Artie glared at her one last time before he jerked himself out of the guards hands and slammed open the doors, walking out. The guards let him go.

Sam let out a ragged breath. That was probably the hardest thing she had ever done. Donkey patted her leg comfortingly. She looked at Shrek and nodded. He nodded back. They had done what had needed to be done. She may have lost her best friend, but at least he was alive.

One of the guards nudged Shrek forward with his crossbow, moving him out of the room. The guards holding Sam pulled her after him, along with Puss and Donkey. They separated Shrek from Donkey, Puss, and Sam, putting them in a carriage and driving off.

Next thing Sam knew she, Puss, and Donkey were being thrown into a stone cell. Inside were four women, an older lady, and a female ogre. _That must be Fiona, _Sam thought. Three of the women looked like they could be princesses. _Maybe they are,_ Sam thought, remembering how Pinocchio had mentioned something about princesses.

"Hey!" Sam protested, as the guard shoved her into the cell.

Puss hissed as the guard threw him in. "I have your badge number, tin can!" Donkey yelled at him.

"Donkey?" the ogre, who she guessed was Fiona, asked.

"Princess!" he replied.

She looked very confused. "Puss?"

"Lo siento, princessa, but I am Puss, stuck here inside this hideous body," Puss said, talking about how he was in Donkey's body now.

"And I'm me!" Donkey added.

"But you're…"

"I know, I know. Everything's a little fruity in the loops right now, but what happened is we went to high school, then the boat crashed, and we got bippity-boppity-booped by the magic man," Donkey explained. Sam couldn't hold back a slight chuckle at his explanation.

"You poor sweet things," said the lady that looked a bit less princess-like.

"I don't get it," whispered one of the princesses, who was sitting on the floor.

"The cat turned into a little horse that smells like feet. What's to get?" said another, one with short black hair.

The last princess, who had been lying asleep on the bench, woke up suddenly. "Huh? Who dat?"

Fiona turned toward Sam. "And who are you?" she asked.

"I'm Sam," she said, sticking out her hand to shake Fiona's. "I'm a friend of Artie's. Or I was…" Sam's eyes dropped for a second.

Fiona nodded, remembering her cousin. "I'm Fiona. Shrek is my husband."

Sam smiled. "I know. He talked about you. He was worried about you." Fiona nodded again. She probably wanted to ask about Shrek but she stopped herself for a minute.

"This is my mother," she said, motioning to the older lady. She must be the queen. "That's Doris, and Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, and Cinderella."

"Good to meet you all," Sam said, "I wish the circumstances were different."

Fiona turned back to Puss and Donkey. "Where's Shrek?" she asked.

Donkey answered. "Charming has him, and he plans on killing Shrek tonight in front of the whole kingdom!"

All of them gasped. Fiona's expression changed to one of determination. "All right, everyone. We need to find a way out. Now."

"You're right," said Snow. "Ladies, assume the position!" The princesses all moved to stand, sit, or lay down. They looked like they were waiting to be rescued.

"You aren't serious, are you?" Sam asked, incredulous.

"You've got to be kidding me," Fiona said.

"Well, what do you expect us to do?" said Snow said. "We're just four…" She cast a derisive glance at the woman called Doris. "I mean three, super-hot princesses, two circus freaks, a teenage girl, a pregnant ogre, and an old lady!"

The queen's expression changed. "Hmm…Excuse me." She moved toward the wall on the other side of the cell. "Old lady coming through." She closed her eyes. All of a sudden, with a, "Hiyah!" She slammed her head into the wall, knocking down the stones. She looked back at them completely unfazed.

"Wow…" they all mumbled.

"Mom!" Fiona said.

"You didn't think you got your fighting skills from your father, did you?" the queen asked.

Snow cleared her throat. "Excuse me. I think there's still one more." Sam looked past them and noticed that there was, indeed, one more wall.

The queen slammed her head against the wall again, knocking it down. Sam and the other winced. There were only so many of those a person could take. The queen looked back at them, humming incoherently. "Why don't you just lie down?" Fiona suggested. She looked back at them. "Okay, girls, from here on out, we're gonna take care of business ourselves."

They all looked at each other and smiled. They ripped off their sleeves and the hems of their dresses, and with that they were off, toward the kingdom.


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything except Sam.**

The group moved silently toward the gates of the city. Two trees were guarding the entrance. The women and Donkey and Puss hid behind the low walls along the road to the gate. Fiona motioned them forward, then lifted up her head to look around. She let out a bird whistle as signal, and Snow stepped out into the road.

And she started singing. All kinds of animals came out of the woods and sang along with her. The trees looked at her, completely confused.

All of a sudden, she changed her tune, looking directly at the trees. All the animals ran forward and attacked the trees. They had caught them completely off guard.

"Move it! Go! Go! Go!" Fiona yelled. They jumped over the wall and ran through the gate. Sam went with Fiona and the princesses, while Donkey and Puss went off to free their friends. Sam had an urge to go look for Artie, but she knew she couldn't. _He's probably long gone by now,_ Sam thought sadly. She pulled her attention back to the matter at hand.

The group ran, fighting guards as they went. Who knew princesses could be so resourceful? Cinderella took off her shoe and threw it, taking out a few guards. Beauty fell down on purpose and tripped the last few. They ran again, hoisting each other over walls, taking out the guards as they went. Before they knew it, they were at the theatre where the show was being put on.

On another side of the city, an odd group ran through the forest. It consisted of a donkey, a cat, three pigs, a wolf, a gingerbread cookie, and a puppet. They stopped on the edge of the road and looked out. "O to the K. The coast is clear," Puss said.

"Alright, let's do this. Go, Team Dynamite!" Donkey said.

"I thought we agreed we'd go by the name Team Super Cool," the puppet protested.

The cookie, Gingy, jumped in. "As I recall, it was Team Awesome."

They continued to bicker about their name. "I voted for Team Alpha Wolf Squadron," the wolf put in.

"Alright, alright, alright," Donkey said, interrupting the fighting. "From henceforth, we will be known as Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynamite Wolf Squadron."

One of the pigs noticed a blond haired boy looking at them. "There is some strange little girl over there staring at us!" he said

Puss and Donkey looked over, and recognized him. Artie stopped for a second then turned away and kept walking. "Artie!" Donkey yelled.

"Wait, wait, wait, wait," Puss said, running to block his way. "Where is the fire, señor?"

"Oh, please. Don't act so innocent," Artie said, moving past him. "You both knew what was going on the whole time, and you kept it to yourselves."

"Artie, it's not like it seems," Donkey said.

"It's not?" Artie asked sarcastically. "I think it seems pretty clear. He was using be. Both of them were. That's all there is to it." He turned and started walking away

"Using you? You really don't get it," Donkey said.

"Shrek only said those things to protect you," Puss jumped in.

"Then what about Sam? Huh?" Artie asked. "She only stayed because she thought I was going to be king. She was supposed to be my friend!"

"Do you really think Sam would do that?" Donkey asked. "After all you two have been through, do you really believe she'd be that shallow?"

"She stayed with you even before she knew you were going to be king!" Puss put in. Artie kept walking away.

"Charming was going to kill you, Artie!" Donkey yelled. "They saved your life." Artie stopped and glanced back at them.

Back at the theatre, Sam was perched on one of the rafters above the stage, with a rope attaching her to the beam under her. Charming was singing to a princess in a tower. Sam had thought her opinion of her couldn't get any worse. His voice didn't help any.

All of sudden, Shrek and a cutout of what Sam guessed was his home in his swamp came up out of the floor. Charming continued singing. "Who is this terribly ugly fiend who so rudely intervened?"

"Will Charming fight of will he flee?" sang the pirates.

"Oh, please rescue me!" sang the princess

"From this monstrosity!" the pirates sang.

"Fear thee not, honey lamb! I will slice this thing up like a ham!" Charming turned to Shrek. "You are about to enter a world of pain with which you are not familiar!" Charming sang the last word so high, Sam winced and had an urge to cover her ears. She was sure she heard some glass bursting somewhere in the audience.

"It can't be any more painful than the lousy performance you're giving," Shrek said. The crowd burst out in laughter. Sam smiled, and fought to keep from laughing.

Charming had stopped, looking at the crowd. He cleared his throat. Prepare, foul beast, your time is done!" Charming sang, waving his sword in front of him.

"Ooh, if you don't mind, could you kill me, and then sing?" Shrek joked. This time Sam had to cover her mouth to keep from laughing. The audience was laughing again.

"Be quiet!" Charming yelled at them.

"Ah, come on. I'm just having fun with you," Shrek said. "That's actually a very nice leotard."

"Oh. Thank you." Charming smiled.

"Do they come in men's sizes?" By now even the villains were laughing. Sam couldn't even stop the quiet laugh that came out of her mouth.

"Enough!" Charming yelled. The audience quieted quickly. He looked back at Shrek. "Now you'll finally know what it's like to have everything you worked for, everything that's precious to you, taken away." Sam was tense with anticipation. "Now you'll know how I felt." Charming raised his sword. All of a sudden a burst of fire came and melted Charming's sword.

At that signal, Sam swung down from the rafter on the rope, jumping off as she neared the ground. She landed on the stage just as Snow and the other princesses appeared on the stage. They were joined by the pigs and Pinocchio, as well as the wolf. Gingy swung down from the princess in the tower's braid, which fell to the ground along with the rest of her hair.

Dragon landed on the stage, and Donkey and Puss ran off her head. "Pray for mercy from Puss!"

"And Donkey!"

Fiona kicked down the door on the cutout of Shrek's house. The crowd cheered. "Hi, honey. Sorry we're late," she said to Shrek. He smiled, looking at her. "You okay?"

"Much better, now that you're here," he said. The crowd "Ahhh"-ed and Sam smiled. "So, Charming, you want to let me out of these chains so we can settle this ogre-to-man?"

"Ooh, that sounds fun. But I have a better idea." Charming clapped his hands together. All the villains came out and grabbed them, pointing their weapons at them. They grabbed a hold of Sam's arms, and she stopped struggling as one held his sword to her neck. Sam glanced around. They were severely outnumbered.

The villains wrapped rope around Fiona and dragged her away from Shrek. "No! Let go of me!" Shrek strained against his chains unsuccessfully.

Charming grabbed a sword from one of his guards. "You will not ruin things this time, ogre. Kill it," he ordered the guards. They started moving toward him.

"Everybody, stop!" someone yelled. Everyone stopped, surprised. Sam's eyes widened as she looked up. She knew that voice!

"Oh, what is it now?" Charming yelled in a whiny voice.

"Artie?" Shrek said.

From in front of the spotlight, Artie jumped onto one of the clouds that hung from the rope, which had been in front of the stage before the play started. He swung down and landed in the middle of the group. "Who really thinks we need to settle things this way?"

The villains glanced at each other and raised their hands. "You're telling me you just want to be villains your whole lives?" Artie asked.

"But we are villains!" said one of them. It was the pirate captain with the hook. Sam recognized him from Mr. Merlin's house. "It's the only thing we know."

"Didn't you ever wish you could be something else?" Artie asked him.

"Easy for you to say," one of the trees said. "You're not some evil enchanted tree."

"You morons!" Charming burst in. "Don't listen to him! Attack!"

They ignored him. One of the trees grabbed Charming and put its hand over his mouth. "What Steve is trying to say here is that it's hard to come by honest work when the whole world's against you," said the tree.

"Right. Thanks, Ed," said the other tree.

"Ok, fair enough. You're right. I'm not a talking tree," Artie said. He glanced around and caught Sam's eye. She smiled apologetically at him. He smiled back. "But you know, a good friend of mine once told me that just because people treat you like a villain, or an ogre, or just some loser, it doesn't mean you are one," he said, turning around to look at Shrek. "The thing that matters most is what you think of yourself." Artie looked around at the people surrounding them.

"If there's something you really want, or someone you really want to be, then the only person standing in your way is you." He pointed at someone in the crowd.

"Me?" the person asked. The people around him grabbed him.

"No! No, no, no," Artie said. "What I mean is, each of you is standing in your own way," he explained.

"Oh…" they all said. They released the man.

One of the villains, one without a head sniffed. "I've always wanted to play the flute."

The woman who was holding a knife to the queen's throat took the knife away. "I'd like to open up a spa...in France!"

The pirate captain stepped forward. "I grow daffodils," he said. "And they're beautiful." The pirate threw down his sword. The villains looked at each other. One by one they threw down their weapons. They released Fiona and all the rest of the group. The guards holding Sam let go of her and threw down their weapons.

All around her people were throwing down their axes, crossbows, swords, and broomsticks. The good guys and villains were hugging each other and shaking hands. The audience was cheering. Sam caught Artie's eye and smiled. Her heart swelled with pride. _If only the people at school could see him now, _she thought.

A movement in her peripheral vision caught her eye. Charming was struggling against the tree. He got out of the trees grasp and ran toward one of the piles of weapons. Sam's eyes widened. Charming grabbed a sword from the pile and lunged toward Artie. Sam was frozen on the spot. She tried to yell, but her voice caught in her throat

Shrek saw Charming as he was lunging toward Artie. Pulling against his chains, he pulled them out of the floor and swung them through the air, wrapping them around Charming's sword. Charming kept a hold of the sword. Shrek swung him around. They continued pulling on the sword.

All of a sudden, Charming lunged forward towards Shrek with the sword.

Shrek's face was a mask of pain. He closed his eyes and sunk to his knees. Charming let go of the sword and stepped away. "A new era finally begins!" Charming yelled, facing the audience.

Sam's eyes wouldn't leave Shrek. Artie and Fiona were looking at him, too. Sam saw Shrek's head move, and she let out her breath. He looked up at Artie and Fiona, and their faces relaxed in relief, and the smiled.

"Now, everyone," Charming was saying, "bow before your King!" Charming's back was to Shrek.

Shrek came up behind him. And cleared his throat. Charming jumped and gasped, his eyes wide with fear. "You need to work on your aim," Shrek said, removing the sword from under his arm. He grabbed Charming by the shirt and pulled him off the ground.

"This was supposed to be my happily ever after!" Charming yelled.

"Well, I guess you need to keep looking…" Shrek looked over at Fiona, "because I'm not giving up mine." He swung Charming around. Behind him, Dragon hit the tower with her tail. It came down on top of Charming.

The crown that was on Charming's head rolled across the stage. It was stopped by a foot. Sam looked up. Artie. He picked up the crown and looked over at Shrek. "It's yours if you want it, you know," Shrek told him. "But this time it's your choice."

Artie looked down at the crown, then over at Sam. He smiled slightly, then looked back out at the crowd. Walking forward, he held up the crown. He put it on his head, and the crowd went crazy. Sam didn't even bother to fight the urge to jump up and down clapping. "Yeah, Artie!" she yelled.

A chant started up, and Sam didn't hesitate to join in. "Artie! Artie! Artie!" A few of the former villains lifted Artie up on their shoulders.

There was a small flash of light in the crowd. Sam glanced over. Mr. Merlin! "Puss! Donkey!" They looked over at her. She motioned towards Mr. Merlin.

Donkey and Puss looked at Mr. Merlin, then back at Sam. "Thanks," Donkey said. They headed off toward Mr. Merlin.

Sam looked around her. Pirates were having conversations with the fairy tale creatures, witches were talking to the princesses. _Artie made all this possible,_ Sam thought. The people back at Worcestershire didn't have a clue how wrong they were.

Sam stood in the background, unable to keep the smile off her face. She was in awe from what Artie had just done. There was absolutely no doubt by anyone now. He would be an amazing ruler. She felt a surge of pride. _That's my best friend, _she thought.

She saw Artie break away from the crowd and come toward her. She smiled at him. They stood there for a minute, and an awkward silence stretched between them. "I'm sorry—" they started at the same time. They laughed. "You go first," Artie said.

Sam took a deep breath. "I'm sorry for what I said. And for keeping the truth from you. I shouldn't have done that, especially to my best friend. I hope you can forgive me," Sam said. She held her breath.

"Absolutely," Artie said, and she let out her breath. "And I'm sorry for thinking you would do that. For thinking the only reason you came was so you could be friends with a king."

Sam smiled at that. Her best friend was a king. "It's alright. In fact, it's more than alright. The whole point was so you would believe me and hate me. If you hadn't left, Charming would have killed you."

Artie looked away for a moment. "Then thank you," he said, looking back at her, "for saving my life."

Sam smiled at him. "Any time."

**The End**


End file.
